Hi baby!

I'm officially in my third trimester now. We came back from our trip this afternoon, and we had a lovely time. You have been moving, bouncing, and kicking a lot. I can actually just look down at my stomach and see you shifting around in there. I wouldn't mind if you would sleep in a bit -- you have a regular 6:30 am calisthenics appointment, apparently.

It's amazing to think that your arrival will be in something like twelve weeks. I mean, I could have been counting the weeks all along, but now it seems so close! In fact, as of today your due date is only eighty days away. It also seems very far away, if that can make any sense. That's three months! And darling, I don't blame you or anything, but I'm ENORMOUS. It's becoming difficult to haul my massive girth around, and I can't believe I'm bound to get even bigger over the next three months. My sleep has been affected (it's hard to get comfy, then you kick me for minutes at a time), I walk funny, I have to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and there are parts of my pelvic region that are sore that I didn't even know could GET sore. This has been interesting, but I think I was expecting that I'd have the easiest pregnancy ever, and that it would be more or less a breeze, with lots of flouncing and frolicking. But there's really more waddling and grunting than I expected. But I am still so happy you're coming, and I love you already.

Love,
Mom

Merry Christmas, Punkin

Dear Peapod,

Well, it's Christmas day, and for a baby who isn't actually here yet, you sure are loved! Your Aunt Maryam and Uncle Kirk sent you a little purple outfit with polkadots. Your cousins Phil and Noona gave you an outfit too, in pink. Tia made a scrapbook for you. Your Great-Aunt Joy gave you an angel candle-holder. Your Grandma Jan sent you a quilt. One of your dad's co-workers and her husband (Debbie and Spencer) gave you two bibs, one with a rocket and another with a German flag. My old friend Erinn and her husband sent you the cutest little legwarmers, some onesies, and some receiving blankets. And we haven't even BEEN to Grandma and Boompah's house yet!

You and I and your dad are very lucky to have so many people who love us.

Thursday is the first day of my third trimester, and we are also leaving for our last trip that doesn't really include you, at least for a while. We're going to Monterey and Santa Cruz.

You are a very busy baby. Just so you know, I've accused you of practicing capoeira, Taiko drumming, karate, ballet, gymnastics, acrobatics, using my uterus as a trampoline, and driving your own Fred Flintstone car. You kicked your dad's hand really hard the other night, and yesterday when I was holding your cousin Grant (who is 4 weeks old now), you kicked HIM several times. He didn't seem to mind though, as he was fast asleep. You're still hard to catch in action, though. I'll feel you kicking up a storm, and by the time I've got somebody's hand on my belly, you've stopped! It's like you're being sneaky.

Well, it's Christmas morning and your dad and I have opened our presents to each other (as usual, he spoiled me!), and now I'm going to tidy up a bit, take a shower, and then we'll go over to Grandma and Boompah's. They're making pancakes for breakfast. Next year, you'll be with us! Although at 9 months, I don't think you'll be ready for pancakes. We'll see. Maybe a bite.

Love you already,
Mom

Dear Peapod

I am now 5 1/2 months pregnant, more than halfway there! Sometimes it still seems hard to believe, like it's too good to be true. But it's hard to forget you're there, because you're moving ALL the time! This has been an exciting week, actually. First, you were kicking right when I went to bed one night, and your dad got to feel you kick for the first time. On Sunday, your grandma got to feel it, too. It's still subtle to them, but I feel it very distinctly. I think you're reacting to some external things, too. For example, if I rest my laptop on my belly, I can almost guarantee you'll start kicking it. And today when I was singing to you, you started kicking. Another odd thing happened the other night -- I rolled over, and then you rolled over. It felt like you just had to adjust when I did. Your head (I think -- frankly it could have been your butt) rolled right into where my hand was resting. It was a kick.

I made you a blanket this week. I made it out of some of your dad's and my t-shirts. It's not perfect, but I'm really happy with it. And then afterwards, I got to say "I made a blanket for our daughter." That's kind of amazing, to think that you're really on your way. I secretly hope it becomes your favorite blanket and that you won't be able to bear being separated from it.

Something else I've been thinking about this week is how happy I am that we're able to bring you into the world in such a positive relationship. I hope that your dad and I will be able to model for you, your whole life, what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. It's corny, I suppose, but we really love each other, and we both make an effort to do things that will make each other happy. I know there will be hard times ahead -- no one gets a free pass for their whole lives -- but we'll get through them together. And Zadie, that's what I want you to see.

Love you already,
Mom

You're halfway there!

Dear Peapod,

Or should I say Azadeh? We found out last week that you are a girl! I would have been happy either way, but I'm delighted that you are a girl, and I've already gone out with your grandma and looked at sweet little fuzzy pink and purple and green outfits for you. Your dad and I had talked about names, and we had sort of decided on Azadeh for a girl (I wanted to wait and make sure it was right), but it wasn't until I saw you on the screen at my ultrasound that I thought "Yeah, that's my little Zadie in there." It feels much more perfect now. We called everyone -- your aunts, grandmas, grandpas, friends -- and told them all you are a girl. Everyone's excited, and they like your name, too. Your dad looked it up and found that it means "freedom" or "princess."

You have still been kicking a ton. This afternoon during a meeting at work, you were REALLY powerfully knocking me around! I couldn't help but make a face at it a couple times.

Today marks the 20th week, which is exactly halfway through your gestation and my pregnancy, which of course we're sharing. I'm really delighted to be going through all this. I am sure my mind will change later on, but right now, as much as I want to meet you, I love having you here as a little secret inside me. I'm the only one who feels you kick. I'm the only one who's constantly aware of your little life. It's just crazy that 5 months ago you were only an idea, and in 5 months more, you'll be in my arms.

I love you already, little miss halfway mark!

Love Mom.

Capoeira

Hello there, my little capoerista! Ballerina? Breakdancer? Footballer? Gymnast? What are you doing in there, anyway?! Last week you took about a two-day break from all your little bouncy movements, and when you came back, it was with a bang, literally! I feel like a Taiko drum! I'm happy for the constant evidence of your existence, though, so thanks. For the record, you are especially happy after sweets and after spicy food (must take after me!).

On Friday we get to find out whether you're a girl or a boy. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to know at all. I mean, finding out when you're born has got to be one of the biggest, best surprises you can get in a lifetime. But now that we've decided, I'm really excited! I can't wait to know a little bit more about who you are. You're like a little mystery and I keep getting clues doled out. I'm looking forward to this one.

For the record, I don't care at all which sex you are. Cookie baking, singing, walks, soccer, books... those are things that anyone can enjoy. So it's not as if I'll hear "It's a girl" and think "Oh no, no sports!" or "It's a boy" and "Oh no, no baking!" I'll try to expose you to all kinds of things, and whatever you latch onto is what you latch onto, right? I can give you choices, but I can't dictate what you choose. And that's fine: I don't want an accessory. I want a person with feelings and tastes and ideas and a distinct personality. So whether you're a boy or a girl matters little. I'm just looking forward to referring to you by the appropriate pronoun, and maybe calling you by your name. One more piece of the mystery revealed.

Love you already,
Mom

Almost 16 weeks!

Dear Peapod,

This is an exciting time. You're moving around, and I can feel it! I felt you move for the first time last Wednesday, and since then I've felt it at least once a day. Sometimes you do a big movement, like "Bloop!" Other times, it's a little flutter. I wish I could feel it all the time. It's so nice to know you're in there and doing well.

My pregnancy day-by-day web site told me today that you are as big as a softball. Isn't that unbelievable? I can't get over how much you're growing and how fast this time is passing. As excited as I am to meet you, I'll never get to relive this time, and I'd like to savor every moment.

I feel good right now. I'm definitely showing now, and can't wear most of my regular clothes unless I layer them over maternity shirts. I think strangers can now tell that I'm pregnant, not just fat.

Your room is getting closer to being ready. Your grandma cleaned the floor today, and the crib is in there, the rug, the bed, the rocking chair... There are a few things left to move out or find places for, and we still need some things, but they'll come later, probably at the shower.

There's not much else to add right now. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so if there's any news, I'll write it here!

Love you already,
Mom

Dear Peapod

Hiya! I'm now 14 weeks along. I'm not exactly showing yet, but my pants definitely don't fit anymore, and I'm wearing maternity pants! My waistband has disappeared, and there's definitely roundness, but it's not that big, full roundness that you associate with pregnant women.

I discovered the other day at ballet that I really can't lay face-down on the floor any longer. I may not be huge, but it feels like I'm trying to lie on a grapefruit. You're very solid in there!

I heard that by the end of this month, I may be able to feel you moving, and I am very excited about that. I haven't felt it yet, but at night I lay very still and concentrate to see whether there might be something...

I'm still singing to you, mostly in the car. Your dad hasn't been reading the stories out loud, mainly because we've been going to bed early because we're both so tired.

We've been talking about names again, to no avail. There are a couple names for both boys and girls that we don't mutually hate, but that's as far as we've gotten.

I feel a lot more energetic, although I'm still getting a lot of sleep at night. Okay, that's not much of an update, but I wanted to check in.

I love you already,
Mom

You and the back seat

Dear Peapod,

I had a funny thought the other day. I was thinking about going on a trip, and whether you would stretch out in the front seat the way I used to do on long trips with my mom. I'd recline the seat, kick my shoes off, dominate the stereo... And then I thought, wait -- Peapod won't be in the front seat, because Reza will! I know it seems silly, but to me, part of growing up and normal childhood included all the things your grandma and I did together, just the two of us. We took trips to Capitola, Bodega Bay, San Francisco... But your grandpa rarely, if ever, was with us. Of course they had divorced by the time I was seven, but even before that he only accompanied us a few times. Anyway, that won't be true for you -- you'll be raised in a two-parent household, and the backseat will be all yours.

There are lots of things that will be different about the world you grow up in -- technology has changed, history has occurred, educational philosophies are different... Someday I am sure you will be amazed that the internet and cell phones didn't exist when I was growing up. You will probably get confused, as I did, and wonder whether we had cars and television (we did). But the things that really interest me are the ways your family will be different.

Today as I drove away from your grandma's house, she waved at me, and it reminded me that my grandma and grandpa used to ALWAYS wave at us as we were leaving, no matter the weather; they would wave until we were out of sight. And the Grandma I remember back then is essentially the Grandma I have now -- she has always been, in my eyes, a little old lady. Your grandma won't be. She's active, and healthy, and young, or as young as an almost-60-year-old can be. She still has relatively few grays. She works out, and gardens. But over time she'll change, I know. I'm happy that she will be watching you during the day. I can only imagine that you will be a better person because of her influence. That's another thing that's different -- my grandma took care of me during the day, but didn't do the kinds of things I imagine you and your grandma will do.

Another big difference? I had a TON of cousins floating around. My dad has three brothers and a sister, and my mom has one brother worth counting. I have seven cousins within 6 years of my age (and three more younger, plus four second cousins and one on the way). We all spent time together, not just at birthday parties and holidays, but all the time. Our parents would play card games, and we would play with toys, blocks, run around the yard, whatever. We were very close. You have five cousins, the closest in age will be six years older than you, and all five live in another state. Your dad and I both want you to be close to them, but it will be a struggle, given the time and cost associated with going to Oregon. And not long after you're born, your oldest cousin will be off to college! This is one of those differences that doesn't come out in your favor, I'm afraid. I hope we can provide you with a sense of family and belonging, but we're going to have to work at it.

I love you already,
Mom

11 weeks

Dear Peapod,

I don't know if you're interested in this stuff, but I'm going to keep recording it anyway. Next week I have an appointment where I think I get to hear your heartbeat. I think that will be really cool. I wish your dad could come, but my appointment is pretty early -- it would be really hard to pick him up from work and still get to the appointment on time. Oh well.

My body hasn't done too much more changing. I'm looking forward to getting a real belly bump. I have definitely expanded in the waist, but it doesn't have that cute roundness to it yet.

I think my appetite has stabilized a bit. I'm still hungrier than normal, but I want small portions more often. Sadly, I am still kind of off the veggies. I want starch, dairy, salt, and fruit. That's about it. And it's hot out -- today it was 107, which really doesn't encourage me to want to cook or eat hot food. Some of the things I really love don't sound that good to me. I have bars of dark chocolate and a bag of M&Ms I haven't touched at all in almost 2 months! Yeah, they're probably stale...

I'm very excited to meet you. I keep having dreams about you. In some of them, you're a girl, in others you're a boy. I need to look it up to make sure, but I know that soon I'll be in my second trimester! It seems like the time is flying and at a standstill all at the same time.

Everyone who hears our news tells me that I'm going to be a great mom. I hope they're right. I'd love to know what makes them think so, but it's just casual conversation -- you can't really ask. If I can't achieve anything else, I'd like you to reach adulthood having felt consistently safe and consistently loved. I've sometimes thought that if nothing else, I'd like to be remembered for being kind. Like if there was only one thing on my headstone, it would be "She was kind." I want kindness to be important to you, too. It's worth more in the end than intelligence, attractiveness, a sense of humor, loyalty, or any other qualities that we like in others and ourselves.

I love you already,
Mom

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Hi baby,

I'm just checking in. I had my first dream about you this week -- you were born already, and we hadn't finished your room, hadn't bought a car seat or crib, and didn't have a name. I said "Just call her Peapod -- we can decide on a name in a couple days."

Your dad had a dream about you, too: he dreamed he was at a swimming class, and people on the sides of the pool were throwing all sorts of different babies at him, and he said "No! Give me MY baby!" You're obviously invading our subconscious lives.

I am surprised to find that my body is already changing a lot. Not that I'm showing, exactly, but little things. Like, I went to yoga the other day and over-stretched. Apparently, there's a hormone that makes it easier for your joints to relax (for birth), but it also means it's easy to stretch too much, and I can feel it. I also really taxed my abdominal muscles, so I kind of look like a pregnant lady -- I'm rolling onto my side to get up instead of sitting straight up!

Your grandma has been taking pictures of me every week since we first found out (week 4), and we looked at the pictures the other day. I was sure there wouldn't be any progression, but there was! I am already rounder in the belly. Now, admittedly, it's bloating and fat, not you and my uterus, but it's a noticeable change.

Congratulations, by the way. Until last week, you were an embryo, and now you're a full-fledged fetus. Don't kid yourself that it doesn't make me feel better. Seeing you on the ultrasound, as I did on Thursday, was a massive relief. I even cried a little. Knowing that you're real, and healthy, and growing is such a relief. I'm a real worrywart when it comes to you. I can't even imagine your teenage years.

Love you already,
Mom

Music

Dear Peapod,

Well, I have some bad news for you -- first, your mom is an emotional wreck. I'm crying at all sorts of things. Happy crying, not sad crying, but crying nonetheless. I get all teary at all sorts of things. Like, I was listening to Paul Simon's "Love me Like a Rock," and thinking of singing it to you while dandling you on my knee (you'll have to let me know whether "dandling" is still a word in 2027 or whatever -- it's out of date now!). Then I was thinking what it would be like to raise a child to adulthood who was secure in the knowledge that your mama loves you. Twice now I've been listening to that song, and I get to the bit where he sings "My mama loves me... she loves me loves me loves me loves me..." Well, I get teary thinking about you!

Which brings us to the other bit of bad news: You're going to know some music that's hopelessly out of date. I mean, I was a bit of an anachronism in the 80s and 90s knowing (and loving) Paul Simon, The Beatles, Donovan, and the Beach Boys as I do, but you? Thirty years later? Yeah, if you take after me in your love of music, you are going to know so much old stuff. And not the stuff that will be cutely retro -- I'm not singing you Fergie or System of a Down -- no, you'll know Johnny Cash, the Who, Joni Mitchell...

I'm really looking forward to meeting you. This week, I have my first appointment where I get to see your heartbeat, and afterwards we'll finally tell everyone you're on your way.

Love you already,
Mom

6 weeks and a bit

Hi Peapod,

I'm almost 7 weeks pregnant, which makes you almost 5 weeks in the making. Right now you're about 1/4 of an inch long, but you're already growing organs, you have a heart with two chambers, and you have arm and leg buds. Cool, huh? I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. I am sleepy as heck. I just got back from Chicago, so I can probably explain some of it as jet lag, but I've been taking naps, going to bed early, sleeping in late... I'm glad it's summertime so I can indulge how tired I am. I'm still hungry, and I'm not really feeling ill (or not very much, anyway), but I'm finding that it's harder to find things I want to eat. Normally I'll eat anything, but for some reason, I think of things to eat for dinner and they just don't sound good. I'm usually a very healthy eater, and I'm finding that I am eating a lot more starches and salt and less veggies and fruits! Yikes! I'm going to have to fix that.

I've told so many people, and I was really not planning to this early, but I'm so excited! I told my dance teacher (well, she might need to know), Nora who does my eyebrows (because she's pregnant, too, and knows how we've been trying), Grandma S (not your grandma, mine -- because she's been prying), my co-worker Chris (because I figured he could help me with this year's schedule), Auntie Monkeygirl (because she's my best friend), the girls I went to the conference with (because it's otherwise hard to explain peeing every five minutes and eating everything I see), oh gosh, who else? Well, I told myself I could REALLY tell after my first pre-natal appointment, which is in a little more than a week. I'm supposed to be able to see your heart beating on the ultrasound, which is very exciting for me. After that, we'll tell all your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, great-aunts and uncles, second cousins... the whole lot of them!

I'm getting a lot of questions -- about whether we'll find out the sex, whether we have a preference, whether we can decide on names, how I feel... It's funny how people have all the same questions. If you're wondering, I don't have a preference about sex, and I don't know whether we'll find out. Your dad wants to, but I get to run this show, and I think hearing "It's a ..." is kind of exciting. We can't come to any agreements about names yet. It's a good thing we still have until March to sort it out.

I love you already,
Love,
Mom

On blogging and scary things

I'm at a blogging conference right now, and apparently there's a whole world I don't know about called Mommy Blogging. Well, I know that plenty of women write about their kids, but I didn't know there was a whole community with in-crowds and politics and things, and I am not sure I want to be a part of it. I mean, I'm writing this more or less for you, Peapod, not the rest of the world, but if the rest of the world is interested, great.

Right now, I'm enjoying being pregnant. You scared the living crap out of me the other day -- I was spotting (meaning leaking a tiny bit of old blood), and I wondered if that meant you weren't sticking around. Although I don't know you yet, I'd be really bummed if you decided not to stay. Apparently, it's fairly common at 6 weeks (which is how far along I am now) to bleed a little, that it's probably just you burrowing in safely, which is cool.

I'm still hungry, and I think I had my first real morning sickness today. It could just be convention food, though. I have to pee ALL THE TIME (which surprisingly does not mesh well with sitting in 1hr and 15 min sessions). And oddly, it is taking forever to pee. Not to start, just once I get going, it's slow. Isn't that odd? I read on a web site the other day that that was also pretty common. Pregnancy is weird. I love you.

Dear Peapod

Hi baby! The first thing I want to say to you is that you are perhaps the most loved and wanted child there ever was. Right now you're smaller than a grain of rice (something I'm sure will be unbelievable when you're tall like your dad), but I have an entire heart full of love for you. I've been waiting so long for you to show up, and now that you're on your way, there's so much I can't wait to share with you.

I'll share some of the details of pregnancy with you, even though maybe you don't want to know! I hope someday you'll understand how much I care for you, and that even when you find me uncool and old-fashioned and hopeless, you'll know I love you fiercely and beyond all reason.

Let's start with how you announced your impending arrival! Your dad and I had been trying to have you for 14 months, which felt like a long, long time. I was starting to think you were NEVER going to show. But on Wednesday, July 11 2007, I woke up in the middle of the night four times to pee! I thought it was weird, and a little suspicion started to grow. On Thursday, I was expecting to find out that I wasn't pregnant, but I didn't. By Friday morning (yes, Friday the 13th -- my lucky day), I couldn't wait any more to find out. I bought a pregnancy test and then ran out of the room to distract myself! I didn't want to look at the test, especially if it was unclear or negative. But after a few minutes, I went back and looked, and it was positive! I cried and cried! I was so happy, and relieved, too. I was so excited, and I wanted to tell your dad right away, but I wanted to do it in person. He called me that afternoon and asked how my day was, and I said that it was fantastic. That piqued his curiosity, and he wanted me to tell him right away why my day was fantastic, but I wouldn't tell him until I picked him up from work. When I told him, he said "this is good. We'll have to start a college fund." He's the one who nicknamed you Peapod. He calls me Sweetpea, so it came from that.

I told your grandma and Boompah on Sunday the 15th. I gave Grandma a bib and booties with an airplane on them (do you know your Grandma likes airplanes?). When I handed her the package, she said "For me? I haven't done anything!" I said "It's for something you're going to do." She opened it and gasped, and I said "you're going to be a grandma!" Then we BOTH cried and hugged.

I don't want to go on too long, or try to say everything right now, but I will tell you that even though I'm only four weeks and five days along (making you 19 days old), I already think about you all the time. I always have tried to make good choices about eating, but now it seems to be even more important, since it's going to feed you. I'm trying to read everything I can about pregnancy and babies, and have already ordered two books. I'm dying to know what you're up to in there! Apparently right now, you're building a central nervous system. You'll have a heartbeat by the time I go to my first doctor's appointment on August 9th.

That's enough for now. I'm looking forward to meeting you, but I'm also enjoying every minute of this.

Love,
Mom